tragikoomista

it's been a while since i last visited this blog - my own blog. my mind has been such a mess lately and so much has happened - and on the other hand, nothing has changed. i got my gym card last friday and since then i've been going to the gym every day. leg day, aerobic day, core day, whatever-day.. calories-away-day. i came home from a bar around 10 minutes ago and i'm trying not to cry. i just don't get it - why do i feel like this? at school i was about to start crying at least three times today and during one lesson the tears just came out of my eyes and i couldn't help but hope it to stop. 

at the bar, when i was dancing, i saw him. and for the 2 hours i stayed there, i looked at him. but he didn't look at me, he has moved on. i try to make myself tobelieve i'm ok with that we're not even friends anymore, but i just.. i am not ok with it. i kind of miss him. a lot. and at the bar, when i was not thinking of him, i was thinking of how fat my legs look. i coudn't enjoy the music, i couldn't enjoy anything. i just can't stand all this, not if i'm sober. 

tomorrow i won't be. now i'm feeling like killing myself but maybe i'll just change into my pajamas and go to sleep and wake up happily in the morning and go to the gym to burn some fat to feel good someday. 

by the way, at least one thing is ok rn - i'm eating normally. shitloads of normal, healthy food is called normal eating. it's weird.